I feel like I'm in dance class right now
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
