I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
