Little spoons don't ask big questions
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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