I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
