This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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