areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
