If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
is this the sara with the beer cane?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
