yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
