woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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