hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
