my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I sprained my soul last night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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