Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
