it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
