I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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