Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
