I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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