I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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