i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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