So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That accounts for only three of the penises
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
