oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
