I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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