When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
