he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You need Xanax blowdarts
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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