I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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