Will you blow on my dice?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
