I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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