I looked at my own cervix.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
