M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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