Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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