my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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