Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
