I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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