Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
