My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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