i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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