I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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