I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
3pm strippers are depressing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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