Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
