On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
