how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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