I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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