I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The chlamydia really affected his face.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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