I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
