Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
