Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
