I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
