I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
