Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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