I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
