forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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