i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
