i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
