I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
