TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
