ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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