did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
