new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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